


Analgesia

by mirawonderfulstar



Series: PMP (plant monster porn) [1]
Category: Wolf 359 (Radio)
Genre: Fluff and Smut, M/M, Sex Pollen, set sometime in S1, the plant monster made them do it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-12
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2019-03-03 20:32:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13348989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mirawonderfulstar/pseuds/mirawonderfulstar
Summary: Eiffel and Hilbert try to fix a problem with the air system on the Hephaestus and end up getting sprayed with spores from the Blessed Eternal. Naturally, sex ensues.





	Analgesia

**Author's Note:**

  * For [deathlybijoumme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/deathlybijoumme/gifts).



“Eiffel, progress update.” Hilbert’s voice crackled over the comms channel, his tone extremely snappish.

“I’m almost there, chill out.” Eiffel snapped right back. He rolled his eyes in the semi-dark even though he knew not even Hera could see him in the tight space.

“Go faster.”

“ _You_ try shimmying through the ducts looking for a tangle of vines.” Eiffel huffed. He crawled forward a few more inches, hit his head on an outcropping of metal, and yelped. “You’re smaller than I am, anyway. Remind me again why I’m helping you with this?”

“Because I agreed not to tell Commander Minkowski about your little accident with the air systems on the condition you help me fix problem _you_ created?” Hilbert replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Eiffel snorted as he crawled another couple inches. “I really don’t see how your greenhouse samples going all Little Shop Of Horrors on us is my fault.”

“Perhaps not, but plant encroaching on machine that _makes our air_ to a point where there is noticeable change in CO2 levels would not have happened if you had been performing routine maintenance on-“

“Yeah yeah, okay.” Eiffel grumbled. “Let’s just… get this taken care of before Minkowski notices something’s off. Hey Hera, thanks for telling Hilbert first, by the way.”

“Of course, Officer Eiffel.” Hera said smoothly. “You should be coming up to a junction soon, you’re gonna want to take the right.”

“Roger that.” Eiffel said, and sure enough, he saw about ten feet ahead that the duct branched off to the right. Eiffel continued following the duct for a while, humming the Mission Impossible theme to distract himself from the cramping he was starting to get in his legs from being folded up so long, before Hilbert shouted at him to stop.

Ten minutes later, Eiffel was at the source of the problem, and ohhhh man, it was _really_ a problem. The plant monster had set up shop right where the air mixer turned the CO2 the crew exhaled back into breathable oxygen and was siphoning off the stream, its long tendrils wrapped around the tube from the inside of the access panel. Eiffel looked at the whole thing as closely as he could from a distance, not wanting to startle the thing in case it jumped him or damaged the system.

“Doc, uh…” Eiffel whispered into the communicator on his jacket. “We have a problem here.”

“What is it?” Hilbert whispered back, and Eiffel felt an involuntary smile flit across his face.

“You know how we said we weren’t gonna come in through the CO2 canister access panel because the plant monster might damage the air system if we scared it?” Eiffel said hurriedly. “It uh… it’s looking like the plant monster already _has_ damaged it so it can eat the CO2. It’s entirely surrounding the tube and I don’t know if cutting through it’s gonna be feasible. It’s gotten huge.”

Eiffel heard Hilbert mutter something in Russian that he was pretty sure was swearing. “Very well. I’m coming to the CO2 access station. Stay there and please, Officer Eiffel, don’t do anything stupid.” He muttered very fast.

“Can do, Eiffel out.”

Eiffel slowly maneuvered the head light he was wearing forward so he could try and get a better look at the plant monster without moving any closer himself. The thing really had gotten huge. The tube connecting the CO2 canisters with the air system was entirely encased in vine, and it seemed to be pulsing slowly. The rest of the creature was spread out around the air system, which, given that it stretched up for four floors through the entirety of the Hephaestus, was no small feat. The body of the thing was covered in small, closed, strawberry pink buds. Eiffel squinted at them. It was probably bad that this plant was budding. There was only so much space for it to grow on the station before it became a danger- well, even _more_ of a danger than it was siphoning off their air system.

There was sudden clang of metal and Eiffel jerked his head back to the CO2 canister access panel. The plant monster was starting to unwind a tendril from the mass on the tube, raising it lazily into the air. “Hilbert!” Eiffel hissed into his communicator. “Be a little quieter, this thing is right on the other side of the wall and it can definitely reach me from where I am!”

“Don’t worry, I have a plan. Just stay there and be quiet.” Hilbert chastised him. Eiffel looked from the wall to the floating tendril, feeling very nervous. Through the wall of the duct he could hear the sounds of Hilbert steadily dismantling the panel to get to the CO2 canisters. The plant monster unwound another tendril. It had stopped pulsing and the body of the thing seemed to be constricting.

“Uhhh, Hilbert?” Eiffel called into the communicator.

“Quiet, Eiffel. Am almost done.”

“But-“

In the next moment several things happened at once. The first was that Hilbert’s face appeared at the access panel as he set the exterior plating down with a clang. The second was that the plant monster unwrapped another tendril from around the tube connecting the CO2 canisters with the air system at the same time as all the pink buds opened up and revealed themselves to be very large, very intricately patterned flowers which were releasing some kind of shining pollen. And the third was that Hera began to blare a warning alarm.

“Hera!” Hilbert shouted. The tendrils shot forward towards Hilbert but Eiffel, who had been anticipating this, propelled himself into the next section of duct and with one swift chop of the emergency axe he’d brought along cut them off before they could escape out the panel. He turned to Hilbert, grinning, but Hilbert’s face was slack with shock as he looked at something behind Eiffel. Eiffel turned to see the plant monster detach itself from the air system and slither up and away, out of sight, but not before letting loose a second wave of shimmering powder from the large flowers. It hung in the air for a moment and Eiffel watched in horrified fascination as it drifted through the air, carried through the ducts to everywhere else on the station.

Hilbert shouted for Hera again. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’ve had to alert Commander Minkowski, the plant monster released some kind of pollen into the ducts and it’s spreading all over the ship.” Hera said, her voice a tiny bit panicky.

“Yeah, we can see it happening right now. Shut down air circulation.” Eiffel shouted, pushing Hilbert out of the way so he could climb out through the access panel.

“I did, it should stop travelling in a moment. I’ll have to run a purge of the air system, I’ve already let the commander know what’s going on and confined her to her quarters, she’s mad but by the time I’ve finished with the purge she might be over it?” Hera said uncertainly. “It’s going to take me a while.”

“Okay. Where are we going?” Eiffel asked, rubbing at the crown of his head which was still hurting slightly from hitting it earlier.

“My lab is nearest closed environment.” Hilbert said shortly. Eiffel looked at him. It might have been Eiffel’s imagination but he thought he was breathing oddly.

“I’m sorry but you two can’t go anywhere. You’re covered in pollen, you’re going to have to stay put.”

“Aren’t you going to suck all the air out of this room?” Eiffel shouted, looking up at Hera’s camera in the corner of the room.

“No. I’m going to suck all the air out of the ducts and you’re going to have to put that panel back, Doctor Hilbert. Then when I’m done with the air you two are going to have to strip and let me decontaminate you and your clothes.”

Eiffel could feel Hilbert look at him out of the corner of his eye and determinedly didn’t turn towards him. “Great. How long will we be in here?”

“Oh, no more than two hours, I’d say.” Hera said cheerfully. Eiffel groaned and shot a glance at Hilbert, who was looking similarly disgruntled.

“What do you think Minkowski’s gonna do to us when we get out of here?” Eiffel asked. Hilbert shrugged and moved towards the wall, starting to put the panel back on the CO2 canister storage.

“I think she is likely to give you extra work and restrict the testing I am allowed to do in the greenhouse for at least three months.” Hilbert said. His tone was very short, as though he was trying not to breathe too much. Eiffel floated towards him, concerned.

“Hey, the air in here should be fine, you know. We’re not gonna run out of air in two hours.” Hilbert didn’t respond except to turn his head to glare at him, still putting the panel back together. He continued to take very shallow breaths. Eiffel laid a hand on his shoulder and abruptly jerked it away again. He’d intended the gesture to be comforting but the moment he’d done it he felt his heart rate speed up a ridiculous amount. Had it suddenly gotten hotter in the room?

Hilbert’s breath hitched and he moved very slightly away from Eiffel, who was now definitely feeling warmer. He wiped a hand across the back of his neck. It came away glistening with sweat.

“Hera, did you up the temperature in here for some reason?” Eiffel asked.

“Negative. The temperature remains a steady 74 degrees Fahrenheit.” Hera responded. “Do you want me to change it?”

Eiffel frowned and shook his head abruptly, not looking at the camera. He was inexplicably distracted by the way Hilbert’s hair fell along the back of his neck. It looked very soft and he really wanted to touch it, and maybe brush his fingers along the skin there, as well.

Oh. Oh, _no._

Eiffel jerked away from Hilbert and pressed himself against the opposite wall, wincing as he felt something poke him in the small of the back. “Hera, what was in that pollen?”

“What do you mean?”

‘What was the chemical makeup of the pollen?” Eiffel shrieked, his voice going high and squeaky in his panic.

“I don’t have the capabilities to run detailed tests on it. I can save some for Doctor Hilbert to look at later if you think it’s-“

“No, don’t do that. We need to get rid of it as quickly as possible and make sure we never see any more of it. Oh my god, of all the stupid alien things for us to have to deal with, I really did not think _sex pollen_ was going to be one of them!” Eiffel said, his own breath coming fast and shallow as he freaked out. Hilbert, who had finished putting the panel back together with a small grunt, turned to look at him with his arms crossed and his eyebrows raised.

“Ignore him, Hera, and save some of it for chemical analysis later.” Hilbert said, still in that odd breathless tone. “Officer Eiffel, please calm down.”

“Calm down?” Eiffel said with a small laugh. “We both got doused with some kind of space plant spores and I’ve seen enough tv to know how this ends.”

Hilbert sighed and rolled his eyes. “It is not space plant. I grew it myself and I can promise you, chances of pollen having aphrodisiac qualities are slim to none.”

“Yeah, but before the fact you’d probably have said the chances of it gaining sentience were slim to none as well!” Eiffel gestured wildly.

Hilbert moved forward, his hands raised. “Eiffel. Please calm down. Air in here will not last indefinitely.” Eiffel laughed and Hilbert grabbed his forearms and shook him roughly. When he spoke, though, his voice was very gentle. “Eiffel.”

The feeling of Hilbert’s hands on his skin was calming, grounding, and Eiffel closed his eyes and made himself take deep breaths. “Good.” Hilbert murmured. His voice seemed closer than it had before, and when Eiffel opened his eyes again it was to find Hilbert’s eyes right in front of him, studying him through the thick rims of his glasses. “Are you alright?”

Eiffel let out a last deep, shaky breath, and was about to say yes, when he became aware of the fact that Hilbert’s hands had slid down to hold his wrists, and he was now rubbing small circles against his veins with his thumbs. Eiffel swallowed, his eyes darting down from contact with Hilbert’s to his lips and back up again. “I… maybe? Are you… how do _you_ feel?”

“I’m not sure.” Hilbert whispered. He blinked several times, taking a deep breath of his own. “I may have misspoken earlier. About the pollen.”

Eiffel swallowed. “I…”

Hilbert leaned forward and tentatively, very tentatively, kissed him. It was one of the sweetest kisses Eiffel had ever received in his life and he practically groaned from frustration because that was so _not_ what he needed right now. Making up his mind, Eiffel tugged his hands out of Hilbert’s grip and grabbed him by the hips and shoulders, pulling him closer with one swift movement. Hilbert let out a startled gasp but moved willingly, going along as Eiffel deepened the kiss and nudged his legs apart with his knee at the same time.

“Uh, guys? I’m still here.” Hera chirped, and Eiffel stopped kissing Hilbert just long enough to shout in the direction of the camera for her to not be here, then. There was a faint click noise as the camera powered down, but Eiffel’s attention was already back on Hilbert- or, more specifically, on getting Hilbert out of his jacket and jumpsuit and his tongue back into Hilbert’s mouth.

It took several minutes longer than Eiffel would have liked to get Hilbert’s clothes off in his slightly fuzzy state. It was like his brain had been filled up with fog, like the whole rest of the universe had been clouded out apart from the space where Eiffel’s hands were stroking down Hilbert’s sparsely haired chest and Hilbert was pushing Eiffel’s jumpsuit off his shoulders and down around his knees. He couldn’t have focused on anything beyond the man he was slowly taking apart if he tried. Hilbert was incredibly responsive, gasping and twitching and melting under Eiffel’s touch. He actually moaned aloud when Eiffel slid a hand down between his legs.

“Eiffel…” Hilbert murmured against Eiffel’s neck where he was leaving a trail of wet, openmouthed kisses. The scrape of Hilbert's teeth against his skin was  _doing things_ to Eiffel he was sort of embarrassed about.

“Yeah?”

“Do you have rope, maybe nylon cord in your jumpsuit?”

Eiffel shivered, grinning. “That’s more like it, I always thought you’d be kind of kinky-“

“We are in zero-gravity environment.” Hilbert snapped. “Rope is necessary if you want me to fuck you.”

Eiffel squeezed between Hilbert’s legs in response, and Hilbert let out a sharp cry before swatting his hand away.

“Do you want me to fuck you, Officer Eiffel?” He murmured, staring directly into Eiffel’s eyes. There was a smudge on the left lens of his glasses from where he’d been kissing Eiffel’s neck. “Or would you prefer to fuck me?”

Eiffel stroked at the inside of Hilbert’s thigh lightly, watching Hilbert’s eyelids flutter closed. “I want to watch you come.”

Hilbert nodded, eyes still closed. “That can be arranged.”

 

An hour and a half later, Hera turned her camera back on to find the two of them naked, Eiffel holding Hilbert close as they drifted aimlessly around the room. She didn’t say anything, just started the decontamination process, and at the end reminded them that they’d better wash those uniforms thoroughly anyway because any… bodily fluids wouldn’t have been eliminated. Eiffel and Hilbert let go of each other awkwardly. Hilbert turned away and began pulling his jumpsuit back on.

“Let’s… let’s not talk about this in front of Minkowski.” Eiffel suggested, trying to keep his tone light. Hilbert just nodded. Without another word, he headed out of the room.

Eiffel shrugged, pulled his own clothes on, and left to go take a shower in his quarters before the inevitable earful the commander was going to give him later. 

Minkowski was absolutely furious, but at least she didn’t hear anything about the sex pollen. She’d been adamant that Hilbert should make analyzing it his top priority in case any of it managed to escape Hera’s purge of the air system. Four days later, Hilbert called Eiffel down to his lab.

“Eiffel, I have news about the pollen.” He said, crossing his arms when Eiffel entered the room. “Thought you would be best person to tell first.”

“Yeah?” Eiffel shifted nervously. “What’s the prognosis, doc?”

“Absolutely ordinary plant spores. Nothing potentially dangerous _or aphrodisiac_ about them.”

Hilbert’s words seemed to reach Eiffel down a long tunnel and echo once they got to him. He stared at Hilbert. Hilbert stared right back, his expression coolly neutral. Eiffel swallowed.

“Well, I…” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess that’s…” He looked around the room and then back into Hilbert’s eyes. “Would you be interested in doing that again, then?”

Hilbert’s expression softened into a very small smile. “Yes, Officer Eiffel. I would.”


End file.
